Should Busy Professionals Find a Nanny on the Web?
By Sue Shellenbarger

From The Wall Street Journal Online

The child-care emergency Sandy Serkes faced a few weeks ago was a common one: The mother of two was desperate for child-care help and up against the wall at work following the loss of her nanny, an older woman who had died unexpectedly. Amid her grief, Ms. Serkes scrambled for a replacement, but her network of friends failed her. She didn't have time to run a newspaper ad.

Surfing the Web late at night, she stumbled onto craigslist.org, an online bulletin board. She fired off e-mails to a dozen babysitting-job seekers, received eight responses, e-mailed questions to the best of them, and made a date to meet the first ones who answered.

"The immediacy was fantastic," says Ms. Serkes, CEO of Valora Technologies, a Waltham, Mass., software concern. As soon as she began e-mailing applicants, she says, "I thought, 'This is it -- a nanny I can communicate with on e-mail at 11:30 at night!'"

For the first time, a significant number of families are finding child care on the Internet. Families hiring their sitters from online postings have risen to about 10% from zero just a few years ago, based on industry estimates. In some tech-savvy regions such as San Francisco, the number runs as high as 50%, outpacing newspaper ads, agencies and word-of-mouth referrals.

Postings for nannies and babysitters on craigslist.org, which has free bulletin boards in 23 cities that list everything from jobs and housing to personal ads, have been rising at a 100% to 200% annual rate, far faster than most other job categories, says Jim Buckmaster, CEO of the San Francisco-based site. In addition, some cities have their own child-care bulletin boards. And there are sites such as www.4nannies.com that charge a fee to contact babysitters who post resumes.

Information on other kinds of care, such as day-care centers and family child-care homes, is moving onto the Web more slowly. Families in Ohio (www.occrra.org), Minnesota (www.mnchildcare.org) and Colorado (www.corra.org) can find online lists. Some limited listings are available on such sites as www.findcarenow.com.

Searching for a nanny on the Web has several benefits. It's fast and convenient. It affords ready access to college students and other heavy Internet users. It eases cross-country searches; many nanny wannabes advertise in dozens of cities at once. And it avoids agency fees, usually $100 to $300 plus 10% of the babysitter's first-year salary.
<

But there are hazards, too. While online job boards draw many good candidates, they also attract job seekers who can't pass a background check or can't be placed by agencies because of incompetence. One San Francisco employer fired her babysitter after she came home unexpectedly and found her two-year-old son alone in the bathtub while the sitter sat reading a book on another floor, says Denise Collins of In-House Staffing at Aunt Ann's, a San Francisco agency. Ms. Collins later found the nanny seeking another child-care job on an online bulletin board.

The easy familiarity of e-mail can lead young parents, in particular, to assume applicants are OK. A Somerville, Mass., father who posted an online ad for a sitter won't run a background check, he says. "You use your gut, call one or two references. I guess I should be worried. But I'm refusing to join the Paranoid Generation."

There's nothing wrong with relying on your gut. But you need to back it up with solid screening. Several unsuitable candidates responded to Ms. Serkes's craigslist.org ad; one failed to show for an interview. But one excellent 21-year-old applicant who grew up in a nearby suburb also responded. After grilling past employers and references, including a longtime neighbor, and watching her care for the kids in trial runs, Ms. Serkes hired her.

If you want your babysitter to drive your children around, check her driving record. Rules on this vary state-to-state; you can get a driving history without the applicant's consent in some states. Others require a notarized signature from the candidate. Some release records only to licensed investigative agencies.

It's wise to conduct a background check; this requires the applicant's written permission. The phone book lists investigative agencies that will check criminal and driving records, usually for about $150 to $250; some nanny agencies do as well. Online background-check services can be helpful, but take a close look at what sources are used; they typically tap only national or state criminal-records databases, which may omit past misdemeanors or stays in a county jail.

Only a check by hand of county court records in all the places an applicant has lived can provide a complete and up-to-date picture, says Lynn Peterson of PFC Information Services, an Oakland, Calif., investigative agency. She says 7% of the babysitters and home-health aides she checks out have criminal records from murder to jaywalking, though most are misdemeanors.

Jeanne Shalvoy, a San Francisco human-resources manager, got 60 responses to her recent online ad for a sitter and interviewed nine candidates. But one provided an employment reference that didn't check out; another never responded to a request for references. That, coupled with a bad experience with a previous sitter, has led Ms. Shalvoy to plan on doing driving- and criminal-records checks on any candidate she wants to hire.

"I don't want an ax murderer taking care of my son," she says. "I want to know who's doing it."

The Legacy Of Slavery
BY RAMONA GARNES

Wanted: Energetic, live-in nanny / housekeeper to work full time caring for three fabulous children, ages 3 months, 17 months, and 31/2 years. Salary: $125 per week.

TAKE a good hard look at that ad. You've probably seen many like it. If you've used agencies to help you find a job, you've no doubt been sent to interviews with prospective employers who were under the mistaken impression that it's perfectly okay to insist that their nanny also take on the responsibilities of housekeeping.

I ask: Do your employers expect their auto mechanic to style their hair? Do they require their lawyer to cap their teeth? Would they dare insist that their stock broker administer EKG's and pap smears? ... Noooo?

Then why do they expect their nanny to clean their house?

Because the legacy of slavery is alive and well in this country, that's why. And that legacy affects the vast majority of today's nannies, no matter what their race or background.

Sadly, to a great degree this unfortunate situation is the fault of nannies. Yes, ladies, we are guilty! No self-respecting cook, valet, chauffeur, groundskeeper, or housekeeper would allow their employer to ask them to also "watch the kids."

Do you ever wonder why people in the aforementioned professions enjoy more career respect than donannies? Have you ever wondered why most of them also earn much more money than the average nanny earns? Do you believe it's unfair that they earn those higher salaries for performing the duties of one job, while nannies earn less for slaving away over a house and kids?

And need I note that, more than is usually true with nannies, lots of people in those other career categories also receive health and other benefits - and that some of them belong to (dare I say it) unions?

LEARNING THE HARD WAY
During the 20 years prior to starting work as a nanny, I worked as a journalist. I capped my career in that profession as a business and financial news editor at the mighty New York Times. So, yes, I've got an attitude. Mega Big.

When I decided to work as a nanny two years ago, I had little idea what I was getting into. All I knew was that children love me; that even though I don't allow them to get away with stuff, they like being around me. (Probably because I set safe, moral boundaries for them!) All I knew was that I like seeing the look of delight and awe on a child's face when I teach him or her something cool or lovely.

So I took the American Red Cross First Aid and CPR courses, and I was hired by, and agreed to work for, the first couple who interviewed me. At that time, they had a nine-week-old boy. Three weeks later, I happily joined their family when Mom returned to work as a corporate executive.

Because I didn't know any better, I'd agreed to the ubiquitous "light housekeeping chores." That lasted exactly two months. Here's why:

I began to notice that I was getting downright cranky at certain times of the day; that I was very near too exhausted to maintain the patience, good humor, watchfulness, and genuinely loving attitude that are essential to doing an excellent job as a nanny. Then it happened.

One day while I was vacuuming, my charge fell off a bed. As my little hunnie began to slide toward the floor, I slammed down the vacuum cleaner and dived for his tiny body. I still don't know how I did it, but I thank God I was somehow able to catch his little head in my outstretched hands just before he hit the floor (which, by the way, was uncarpeted at that time).

After I called his pediatrician, and his parents, and after I knew for sure that my wee munchkin was absolutely okay, I was able to "relax" and
begin having a hyperventillious freak-out fit.

When I calmed down, I knew it was time to talk to my employers about how dangerous it is to require a nanny to do housework.

They first offered me more money. (This was on top of a raise I'd already received!) I told them I didn't want money; that I get my jollies from loving my job and from doing it well; that I would hate my job, and myself, if doing housework meant ignoring or hurting or being inattentive to their little son in any way, shape, or form.

I asked them whether they knew even one work-at-home mom who has a spotless home.

Think about that. How many people do you know who have children and a clean home? If their home is clean and neat, dad probably pitches in by doing a lot - and I mean a downright megatude - of serious housework. If dad doesn't pitch in and their home is clean and neat, they probably have a housekeeper. Otherwise, it's Tornado Time until the kids are old enough to also do serious housework (if they've been reared and trained well), or until they're old enough to move out and maintain their own sty.

I also asked my employers to imagine what their son was doing while I was busy cleaning house.

Do the housework while the child is napping? Nix that! What if there's more than one child? Most important, imagine how patient, tolerant, alert, and unflappable anyone would be after they've been engaged in physical labor for several hours, and then must interact with a child. (And imagine if the child is sick, tired, hungry, or irritable.)

All this on top of interacting with the child before and after nap time: Taking him out for walks and to play, cooking his meals and cleaning up after that (a nanny ought not leave a filthy kitchen!).

Where's the time - and the crucial loving patience - for teaching the child about all the things that are in that kitchen? For encouraging him to walk and talk? For reading? For teaching how to use a toilet? For teaching to pick up his toys? For teaching through play with paints, puzzles, puppets, and popcorn?

Children demand and crave - nay, they require - multitudinous mountains of love and attention; they need to be held and hugged, cooed at and sung to. They often need undistracted, all-encompassing emotional soothing and reassurance. Otherwise you end up creating a Charlie Manson or a Jeffrey Dahmer.

I maintain that children will not get this all-important patience and loving attention from a nanny who's bogged down by scullery work.

Keep in mind that a work-at-home mom is free to not do housework if she's tired. A "nanny /housekeeper" doesn't have that option. If cleaning house is part of her job description, she cannot blow off that part of her day.

On average, nannies work a 50-hour week. Even without doing housework, it's hard rearing children. I vociferously maintain that it's dangerous to work 10 hours a day without taking a break. And it's especially dangerous, bordering on the morally criminal, to do so if you work with children.

Haven't you seen them on the streets, at the malls, in pediatricians' offices?: "nanny / housekeepers." You can spot them a mile away: Baneful facial expressions. Drag / pulling miserably unhappy little kids behind them, looking for all the world like they're both galloping toward the gulag. Snapping and barking at, and even slapping their charges. (This also goes for physically and emotionally exhausted moms and dads.)

I will not do that to a child. I will not do that to myself. So I told my employers it would be much better to take the additional money they were offering me and use it to hire a housekeeper. God bless 'em, they saw the light. And they could afford it.

The Legacy of Slavery
It is a gross misconception that everybody in the American south owned slaves. It is even a gross misconception that, among people who could afford slaves, most of those who did so owned hundreds or thousands of them.

Among slave-owning households (and among households with indentured servants), there were cooks, maids, deliverymen, field hands, etc. Among household slaves, children were reared and looked after by many people. No one person was responsible for running the house and rearing the children.

In Europe, among families who could afford servants, there were governesses, butlers, upper house maids, kitchen maids, nannies. No one expected nannies to clean the house and rear the children.

So how did it come about that the great majority of people who are looking to hire a nanny in America today expect her to also work as a housekeeper?

Can it be that, thanks to the legacy of slavery and its resulting degradation of black people, these employers believe they're still dealing with slaves and with unenlightened black folks? That because slaves and poor black people once did this work, anyone who does this work today - even a trained, educated white woman - can be treated as a slave, and can be paid slave wages?

Can it be that because women have always earned less money than men, and because nannies are almost exclusively women, employers believe they can get away with paying nannies salaries equal to squat?

And why do employers believe they're doing a nanny a favor by having her live in their home? If you're a live-in nanny, do you live in for your convenience? Or do you live in for the convenience of your employers?

Why do employers of live-in nannies believe they can pay a live-in less money than they'd pay a live-out nanny? Oh!? Because they're housing her, so they don't have to pay her real money? Because they're deducting rent from her pay?

I ask: If an investment banker or a computer programmer stays overnight at his office, does his employer deduct the equivalent of the cost of a night in a hotel room from his salary? Is an investment banker's or a computer programmer's work more important, or more difficult, than the work of parenting children? Hello? Not on planet Earth it ain't! People - this is bogus!!!

What You Can Do
First, if you are one, you can stop being a racial bigot ... right now! Bigotry and racism hurt everybody. If you don't openly object to the mentality that says it's okay to abuse, misuse, and demean other human beings, you're cutting your own throat. Who's to say you're not next?

Refuse, I say RE-FUSE, to work for people who treat you - and pay you - like you're a a slave. Employers, be they office managers, police chiefs, or parents seeking a nanny, will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Are you allowing yourself to be treated like a slave?

Take a leaf out of Rosa Parks' book. Do you remember Rosa Parks? She's the black woman who refused to give up her bus seat to a white man in Montgomery, Alabama in 1955, setting off the black civil rights movement of this century. I urge all nannies to Just Say No!

Make sure you're trained and educated up the wah-zoo. It is exceedingly wise to have training and education in childcare. But keep in mind that parents are desperate for good nannies; that many of them will jump at the chance to hire any extremely loving, intelligent, educated person who's worked in almost any hard-core, real-deal profession, and who has outstanding, checkable referrences. (They'll even hire journalists - the lowest of the low!)
Training, experience, and education will give you the confidence to talk straight with your employers. They will help you to confidently negotiate your duties and salary, and they'll give you the poise to insist upon a written agreement.

Never forget with whom you're dealing. Anyone who can afford to hire a full-time nanny very likely has a job that requires consummate skill at negotiating, talking straight, and being assertive. In other words, you're dealing with people who are not afraid to talk turkey. They needed to do it in order to advance their careers. So do you!

Do not ever, under any circumstances, work "off the books." When you agree to work off the books, you are not only cheating this nation - you are cheating yourself.
Among other things, by working off the books you are giving up all rights to receive unemployment compensation and disability benefits. What happens if you lose your job and you can't find another one? Worse, what happens if you're injured on the job? Think your employers will take care of you? Think again: Any employer who doesn't withhold taxes is dishonest. Do you really trust a cheat?

By working off the books, you are telling your employers that you, too, are a cheat. How do you think they'll treat you if they know from day one that you're a cheat? Will they trust you? Will they respect your privacy? Agreeing to work off the books is the best way in the world to build your relationship with a new family on shaky ground.

Many nannies who work off the books say they do so because their pay is so low. What these nannies don't understand is that one of the reasons their pay is low is because they work off the books. This self-defeating practice drives down wages throughout the industry.

As as long as there are nannies out there who insist upon working off the books, no one will ever take nannies or the nanny industry seriously. Working off the books is illegal. And employers, as well as lawmakers, will continue to view nannies as criminals - videotaping them, invading their every privacy - as long as working off the books continues to be any kind of norm in this industry.

Never work for the financially challenged.
Hopefully, you've worked hard to establish yourself as a professional. You're no mere baby-sitter. No matter what your age, you are emotionally mature and you're "legal," you are not an au pair. You're educated. You're smart. You're honest. You work hard, and you work well. You've got references that can gratify the CIA and the FBI. Do not allow America's crisis over the lack of affordable childcare to become your personal problem.

Who are you? Saint Mother Mary of the 'Kick Me' Chapel? If they can't afford a housekeeper, they can't afford you!



-----------------------------------------------------
This article is a reprint from the National Association of Nannies newsletter and legitimately reflects the way some nannies feel. Like it or not, nannies deserve a voice even when they say things we don't like or that make us uncomfortable.

What can we learn from this article to be better agencies, employers and nannies. I appreciated many of the responses to Ms.Garnes article but was disapointed by those who seemed to want to stifle healthy debate or a nanny with a strong opinion. If you are a reader who disagrees with Ms. Garnes, that's great. We welcome your comments, concerns and questions. Nevertheless, we support Ms. Garnes right to speak her mind. For those of you who wish to respond we also support your right to support her or "let her have it" if you see fit.

Please post your comments below.

Working Parents Find Qualified Nannies Online
By Jackie Needleman, co-founder of ParentsPlace.com
Excerpted from a longer article and reprinted with permission


Having just fired her au pair, Bernie Dixon of Farmington, CT needed to find a caregiver for her children quickly. Like many working parents these days, Bernie turned to the Internet for help. "If I am scouring through a newspaper or the yellow pages at my desk, it looks as if I am not working. But searching for information on my computer screen looks productive to my co-workers and is just a lot more convenient way for me to get things done."

Bernie, who is the Chief Information Officer for Hamilton Standard, began her child care search from her desk. She used the Alta Vista search engine and typed in "Nannies, Au Pairs and Children." In an instant, Bernie received links to sites for The Nanny TV show, the NetNanny software which guards questionable websites from your children and the I LOVE MY NANNY site at www.ilovemynanny.com, a nanny placement agency. She immediately visited the latter site.

"I was instantly impressed with the professionalism of the site. I used the comments button and emailed the agency asking how long it would take to find a nanny. That was in the evening on my way out of the office, and the next day at 7:30 am in the morning, there was an email response waiting for me at the desk. Now that is what I called responsive."

The I Love My Nanny website is owned by Jackie Williams of West Hartford, CT and places professional nannies in the U.S. and abroad. As the "pioneer of internet nanny recruiting," the online service details how the agency works, provides articles on hiring and communicationg with nannies, outlines information on the industry, provides online applications for nannies and families, and offers a weekly bulletin emailed to subscribers about which nannies and jobs are currently available.

Within two hours of that mornings email, Bernie was interviewed by phone; 24 hours later a list of candidates was faxed to her, and three short days thereafter Bernie was interviewing prospective live-in nannies. "This is the way I like to do business," Bernie continued. "Not only was the agency responsive but the candidates were the most highly educated I have found. Because I am raising my kids to be computer savvy and business smart, it is a real bonus to find a nanny who is not only nurturing but also computer literate."

Of her new nanny found through the Internet, Bernie claims, "She's a blessing, a modern day Mary Poppins who is a vital element of our family team." Bernie concludes that the online placement service charges a slightly hirer placement fee, but it was worth it. "It was easy to find the agency on the Internet, and the quality was obvious -- both in terms of the company responsiveness and the highly educated candidates. That's what's important to working parents."

Note: Nannies, don't be nervous about seeking a nanny job online if you are using a reputable agency.

She Fired The Perfect Nanny!
Throwing The Baby Out With The Bath Water

Beth had the perfect nanny. Everyone could see it. Other mothers were envious of her good fortune. The baby adored Susan. The neighbors marveled at her loving, professional competence.

But all was not well on Maple Street. Beth wasn't happy. In fact, she was downright miserable. Then, one day, she fired the perfect nanny!

Everyone could see how lucky Beth was--except Beth herself. For her it had been a year of living with the "slow burn" of jealousy. And in the last few months, it had become a raging fire.

Three months after Jeffrey was born, Beth had returned to work with mixed emotions. She was ready to get back to the challenges and stimulation of her job as an attorney, but leaving her baby each morning was sheer anguish. She missed him, she felt guilt about abandoning him, she worried about whether she was doing the right thing. Getting home in the evening was the high point of every day.

At first it was just fleeting feelings of being a "third wheel". As Jeffrey's affection for Susan grew, his response to Beth's homecoming became less ecstatic. Then he began, many nights, to cling to his nanny, wanting her to stay.

Susan told of trips to the park and other daily adventures. During the week, the kitchen was always spotless and the house tidy, the baby's laundry done, no shortage of anything in the pantry. Jeffrey was kept entertained, fed, washed. He had Susan's undivided attention all day, every day.

But on weekends Beth was so busy there wasn't much time for outings. The house usually looked like a tornado had touched down, and Jeffrey often had a dirty face and juice spots down his front. And even though he was the center of his mother's world, he couldn't always be at the center of her attention.

Jealousy is a mother's torment. "This other woman is taking my role. She's not taking the daddy's role."

Beth's insecurities about her mothering skills began to get the better of her. The weekly contrast between the nanny's and her perception of her own care-giving competence began nibbling the edges of her sense of self-worth. She became obsessed by it, until one evening, as Susan prepared to go home, Jeffrey bumped his head, then ran wailing into his nanny's arms. Something in Beth snapped. The next day she fired the caregiver-- and in her mind, the justification she gave for the dismissal was totally rationale.

"I instantly felt tremendous relief," she told us. "It felt great that I'd finally dealt with the problem. Then friends and neighbors began to console me about losing such a jewel, and to sympathize with how much Jeffrey must miss his dear and loving nanny." Beth soon realized that she hadn't solved the problem at all. "The problem was my own jealousy, my conflicted feelings about having another woman caring for my child. I needed to learn to accept that, as long as I have a job outside the home, Jeffrey will have divided loyalties between me and his nanny."

Too Talented To Take!
A number of triggers can unleash a jealous reaction. It might be a flash of competitive envy, when facing an energetic, youthful nanny candidate. A tough day at the office can produce a wave of resentment toward the woman who gets to picnic in the park with the children. Or a well-loved caregiver can evoke a sea of jealousy from a working mother consumed with doubts and feelings of rejection.

"When it's a case of the nanny's looks," Sheilagh Roth (Executive Director of a well-known nanny school) points out, "the relationship generally won't get past the interview stage. The nanny may think everything went fine, but then she doesn't get a follow-up call. "A nanny's physical appeal seems to be less of a problem when it's live-out situation. But thoughts of "too close for comfort" can bubble up if the caregiver will be living under the same roof.

A mother may find herself thinking about how lucky her nanny is, spending so much time with the children, while Mommy's life is filled with the drudgery or stress of a thankless job. Rather than transferring her career dissatisfaction into resentment of the caregiver, it may be time for his mother to review her life choices. It's important, of course, that she distinguish between a one-shot bad day at the office and a real personal crisis. If, "this too shall pass," she would be wise to count to 10 before resigning and rushing home to fire the nanny.

Ironically, jealousy often surfaces when the caregiver is really good at what she does! "I've seen situations where the nanny was doing everything right, but got into trouble for doing more than she was asked to do," Roth tells us. "I don't know if these parents ever actually understand that the real problem was their jealousy."

It is assumed that a mother will be delighted to see her children in the care of a competent, dependable, loving person. As Dr. Arietta Slade, professor of clinical psychology at the City University of New York points out, "If the child weren't attached to the caregiver, he'd be lonely and bereft whenever his mother was gone." Mommy should be thrilled that her children are well cared for and happy.

But many a woman fights a losing battle trying to separate the rational appeal of the "loving child care" picture from the emotions that are woven in with being a working mother. She feels her cherished motherhood being taken over by someone else. She fears she will lose the treasured bond forever.

Something Special About Mom
It is most often in the child's early years that the caregiver may take precedence over the mother. "While the caregiver's relationship to the child is simple and direct--a nurturer, playmate and educator-- the mother has a multifaceted relationship with the child," says Diane Gottleib, M.S.W., Ph.D., a family therapist and adjunct professor of psychology at the University of Vermont. "Yet even before the child acquires language to grasp these differences, she will unconsciously understand that her relationship to her mother maybe morecomplicated than her relationship to her caregiver, but it is also richer and therefore more deeply engaging."

A child's understanding of that complexity will evolve as she develops. As Joan K. Peters wrote in The Mother Triangle (Family Life, March/April, 1994), "The progression may not be steady, since at certain ages the child tends to regress. However, between the ages of three and five, when the child has navigated separations and securely bonded, a shift in perception usually takes place."

Patricia A. Nachman, Ph.D., director of the Margaret S. Maher Observational Research Nursery at The New School for Social Research in New York City, conducted a three-year research study in which she observed a group of toddlers with full-time mothers and another group with full-time caregivers. She concluded, "In all cases the mothers appeared to be the primary objects on whom the children's most intense feelings, identifications, and separation concerns centered. In short, the child 'knows', probably from early on, that there is something special or at least different about Mother."

The Responsibility To Be Fair
Sheilagh Roth describes how maternal resentment often manifests itself. "Mothers show their jealousy toward the nanny by being irritable, by belittling her, by acting superior." She speaks of one mother who became hysterical over the way the socks were folded and stored in the children's drawers. And she tells of another nanny who did a superb job of teaching a preschooler good manners and how to recite the alphabet, only to overhear her employer take full credit for the child's exemplary behavior.
Such disrespectful behavior toward a caregiver who is trying hard to perform well--and succeeding--is unjust. Part of the responsibility of being an employer is to respect and support the caregiver--to avoid minimizing her accomplishments or undermining her authority. But Ms. Roth points out, "It's easier to change the nanny than it is to change behavior. Especially when that behavior is irrational, insidious, subconscious."

If resentment is causing you to be unfair to your nanny, you can turn that around. Awareness is half the battle. The other half is hard work, but solutions do exist. Start by enlisting your nanny's support in addressing the problem. A good nanny wants her employer, as well as her charge, to be happy.

Glenda Willm, former President of the National Association of Nannies, said it best: "The relationship a child has with its nanny is very special and close, but a child only has one mother. One person's love doesn't diminish the love of another. The incredible thing about love is that the more we give, the more we have. As nannies, it is our job to be supportive of our employers. It is also part of our job to protect and respect the parent's role in their child's life." NN

A Hiring Tip For Parents
Beware of the nanny who thinks she is more qualified at parenting than any mother who would choose to leave her child in someone else's care. When interviewing prospective caregivers, keep your antennae up. If a candidate says something like, "I was a much better nanny than she was a parent," or "The parents were never around so I became the mother," escort her to the door! It might be true, or it might just be a figure of speech--but there's a good chance it's an indication of how she interprets her role.

Beth's story is based on a real situation. The names have been changed for the protection of privacy. This article was reprinted with the permission of Nanny News.

A Parent's Point of View of the Nanny/Parent Partnership
By Susan Mitchell, employer of nanny Mercedes Martinez (A nanny placed by I Love My Nanny.com)

This is a nearly impossible article to write from one perspective. It's like one spouse defining how a marriage should work. By definition, a marriage relationship takes two. By definition, a nanny-family realtionship takes three, four or maybe more. I also believe, like marriages, nanny-family relationships are all unique. Therefore, I can share only why our family's relationship works so well with our nanny and hope that it helps out others. I say that, not to be presumptuous, but merely to be hopeful that other families can share the care of their children with the love, joy, humor and mutual respect that defines our relationship with our nanny.

Our nickname for our nanny is "The Woman Without Whom Our Lives Would Not Work". It may not be a nickname that would look cute embroidered on a pillow, but it is highly descriptive. I cannot imagine my life without her. Our family life is not only simplified, but actually enriched by her.

When I consider the (really very few) elements of my life that are essential, I consider further how I should treat them. This thinking process pretty much defines how we try to treat our nanny.

We begin with respect. Assuming we have enough confidence in an individual to entrust our children to her care, we must then accord her the very same level of respect that we accord ourselves. This translates to some basic things. We appreciate the professionalism she brings to her work. We try to be on time. Our nanny is not only, but also a caregiver. One of the reasons she is so good at what she does, and thus such a positive influence in our children's lives, is that she has a wide circle of interests and friends. Just like our work outside our home, our interests and our friends nourish my husband and me, such things nourish our nanny. A nourished grown-up has a lot more to give a child. We respect our nanny's need for this and are genuinely interested in supporting her whole life, not just the hours she guards our girls.

We talk, we don't tell. Our nanny is not just our employee but our partner in running our life, and most importantly, raising our children. As an example, schedules change on a nearly hourly basis in our lives. We plan our calendars with our nanny but stay in constant contact about what changes come up for the girls, for my husband or me or our nanny. We're all in this together and work hard to make sure we're all where we need to be when we need to be there.

We're clear about our roles. We are the parents; our nanny is the nanny. Those roles, while highly complementary are discrete. We present to our childen a united team of grown ups whose top concern is their welfare. We are consistent with our discipline, with our daily rituals, with our expectations and with our praise. We don't undermine or second guess each other.

We celebrate. Birthdays, holidays, occasional mid-week dinners. We try to acknowledge important occasions and include each other in them. Part of celebrating is telling each other often how much we appreciate what the other does. One of the sweetest celebrations we have shared thus far was the birth of our second child. I will always treasure the knowledge that our nanny first held our child when she was only hours old.

We're friends. When our relationship began three years ago I never would have predicted that, in addition to having a wonderful person caring for my children, I would have a new friend. Yet, when people have as much in common as we do--a mutual passion about children--it is understandable that a friendship would form. One of the little rituals we share is watching ER together as often as we can. It's a chance for us to share some relaxed time. We ogle Dr. Ross and John Carter (I will admit my husband is rarely there!) and catch each other up on our week, our weekend plans and the development of "our" children.

In addition to all I've mentioned, there is an undeniable element of luck behind our partnership. Our nanny is a remarkable woman by any measure. We are, I think, mutually blessed to share our lives. When it comes to the care of our children, I cannot imagine a better situation.

Reprinted from "Southern Nanny", a publication of the Professional Nanny Association of Atlanta, with the permission of the author.

Nurture The Nanny/Child Relationship
Experts believe the more love a child experiences, the greater his capacity for love becomes. There is little risk that a child's adoration of his nanny will lessen the love he feels toward his mother. Quite the contrary. He knows that it is Mommy who has provided him with this happy, secure life!

A nanny helps you be a more effective mother, just as an assistant helps you be more effective at work. Try to invert your view of the situation. When you feel rejected by your child in favor of her caregiver, think about what a happy, secure experience you've provided for her. Give yourself the credit you deserve for having found loving, dependable child care that allows you to choose to work, without the worries that plague so many other working mothers.

Think about "triggers". What are the moments or events that cause you to feel vulnerable? Generate some ideas about changes you can make in your schedule or your approach that can help relieve those tense times. Identify what it is you feel you're missing, and when it is that your child misses you. Joan Peters relates the story of a friend who arranged to arrive a 1/2 hour late for work in order to take over the job of walking her son to school. "I had felt out of the loop. I didn't know the teachers or the classmates my son talked about in the evenings." The result of that simple change: this mother now feels integrated into her son's world. A small schedule adjustment can have a huge payback in peace of mind.

Create little daily rituals that both you and your child enjoy. For that mother, it was the walk to school. For another, it may be making and eating breakfast together in the morning, or a short mid-afternoon phone conversation. Whatever it is that you do during your important time together, be sure your nanny understands that she is not to do that task unless you specifically ask her to fill in.

Don't be too "laissez-faire"--even if she is one of the world's greatest caregivers. Become involved in planning your child's day. Arrange play groups, suggest outings and projects, select the after-school programs she is to be signed up for. Discuss the day's plans with your nanny each morning, and "debrief" her at the end of the day. Or ask her to keep a log tracking the day's activities and events. Talk about the decisions and choices your nanny makes. (Editor's Note: See information on the Nanny Minder in our Nanny Store.)

Transitions are hard on a child if the "time and space" that is ending has been pleasurable. Smaller children don't have a well-developed sense of anticipation. They live in the moment, so even if what is to come will also be nice, they resist the change. This partly explains the evening rejection ritual that occurs in so many households when Mommy returns home in the evening. Give your child time to adjust. Join the activity Susie and Nanny are engaged in. Don't go off with the caregiver to debrief and leave the child alone during this difficult transition time. Arrange the schedule so your nanny doesn't have to bolt out the door as soon as you walk in--try for a 15-minute overlap. One mother we know takes care of business beforehand, talking to her nanny by cellular phone while on the homeward-bound train.

Occasionally an immature or confused caregiver will actively try to take over the mother's role. It's hard for a parent to be objective about something like this, but if you truly believe she is trying to usurp your role, you may have no alternative but to end the relationship. First, though, consider her lifestyle. Is she very isolated, with little social life and no interaction with peers? Try to help her meet other nannies. Is there a nanny support group in your area" If so, ask her to join.(Editor's Note: Call us at 860-243-2222 for a list of nanny support groups throughout the country.) If not, consider helping her start a group. Developing outside relationships might broaden her perspective, and in discussing her views about her about her job, other nannies may help her understand her role better. You can support her participation in the peer group by offering to let the group meet at your house, by providing the refreshments occasionally, or if you have a relevant expertise, by offering to speak to the group about your subject.


This article was reprinted with the permission of Nanny News. Copyright 2003. All rights reserved.

How to be a Great Nanny: Nanny Amy's Success Tips
My whole life has been about helping children. Sometimes those children were abused or neglected foster kids that needed to be held and loved. Sometimes they were preschool children that I taught in rural South Dakota communities. At other times they were "grown up" college kids searching for guidance with real life issues. Currently my role as helper comes with the title of nanny. In this article, I am offering you some of what I know have learned in the past year, in hopes that it might make your experience as a nanny successful.


CHILDREN AS ACTIVE MEMBERS OF THE HOUSEHOLD
Getting children involved in helping around the house does not have to be a battle. Believe it or not, children like responsibility. They like to know that they are a needed and valued part of the family structure. Once you realize how to assign "jobs" successfully and the children understand that they are being held accountable for that "job" it becomes a natural part of the daily routine.

Don't offer choices to children when they really have no choice. An example being, instead of saying, "James, WILL you please feed the dog?" try "James, please feed the dog." The first question is giving James the option of saying no, when in reality you are not offering him that choice. The second statement is much better because there is no room for "creative interpretation".

Giving instruction to children can sometimes be frustrating for both you and the child. How many times have we, after asking a child to do something thought, "It would have just been easier to it myself" ? Of course it would have been easier, but learning to follow instructions is an important task for children to learn. Here are some ways to make it as easy as possible for children to succeed at following directions.

First, make sure that you have the child's full attention before you begin speaking. Ways to do this are: begin your statement with the child's name and make you sure keep direct eye contact with that child. By saying their name first, you immediately are getting that child's attention and by keeping direct eye contact, you are keeping the attention focused on the conversation and eliminating any distractions.

Next, give only one direction at a time (this number depends on the child's age and his ability). Let's say for example you would like Adam to set the table. This task, although it sounds simple needs to be broken down. Begin by telling the child what you would like done, and then give him instructions on how to complete the task. Example (assuming the child has done this before; if not, you will have to show him exactly how) "Adam, I need you to please set the table for supper. First get 4 placemats and put them around the table." When he has done that, give him the next direction. "Now put 4 plates on the placemats." And continue in this fashion until the task of setting the table is complete.

Now for more complex jobs, making a list that breaks the job down into steps might be more appropriate. Let's say you would like Victoria to clean up her room. Generally you cannot say, "Victoria please clean up your room" and get the results you want. This is because your idea of cleaning up the room and her idea of cleaning up the room are probably totally different. So lets break the large task into a set of simple instructions that are easy to understand and complete. Make a list of all the things that need to be done. After the room is cleaned, don't throw the list away, keep it for the next time

Put all shoes in the closet neatly
Put all the stuffed animals on the bed
Put all the books on the bookshelf
Once you practice giving instructions in a positive way, it becomes second nature.

INCENTIVES
One of my household responsibilities is to wash the children's laundry. I don't mind doing laundry at all, in a strange way, I find it sort of rewarding. But what I do mind is turning clothes right side out. It is a total waste of my time. When I did my first loads of laundry here, it took me 20 minutes just to turn socks and shirts right side out. That evening, I informed the kids that when they got undressed, before they put the clothes in the hamper, they needed to take a few moments and turn everything right side out. "Why?" was the response I got back. "Because it would help me out" was all I could think of to say. Well, the first week they did pretty good, but I still found myself turning some clothes right side out. So much for trying to intrinsically motivate 7 years olds! I needed a new plan. So was born the "laundry game". The "game" is, whichever child has the least amount of clothes turned inside out on Monday morning when I sort laundry gets a special prize (worth about 1 or 2 dollars). The first thing the kids want to talk about on Monday mornings is "who won". The game has ended in a tie about 95% of the time, which is fine. We all get what we want.
I am not condoning rewarding children for every time they do something helpful. I tell "my kids" that some jobs you do just because you are a part of the family and family means working together to get things done. This might sound trite, but they believe it.


ORGANIZING
I cannot stress how important it is for me to be organized. How "together" I am everyday, has a direct effect on how stress free we all stay. Below are some organizing techniques that have helped me.
Simplify Clean out closets, cupboards and drawers. If things never get used, pack them up and move them out. Make room for stuff you really do need. Sometimes it is easier to do this when the kids are not around, so they don't know the "valuable junk" you are getting rid of.

Kids Clothes
The first thing I did was throw away all the mismatched metal hangers and such in the kids closets. I replaced them with matching plastic hangers you can purchase cheaply at discount stores or 5 and dime stores. Each child picked out which one color they wanted their hangers to be.
Next I took all the clothes that did not fit, out of the closet and packed them up. Then I divided out the summer clothes from the winter clothes. When it is appropriate to wear summer clothes, the kids have access to them easily on the bottom rack of the closet while the winter weather clothes are on the top rack. When pants (or shorts) have matching tops, I keep them on the same hanger, so it is easier for the kids to pick out their own outfits.

Personally, I think it is easier to keep school clothes on hangers in the closet instead of folded in dresser drawers. When they are hung up, it is easier to see what is available to wear without making a mess and clothes don't get as wrinkled when they are hung up.

Dresser space is reserved for clothing such as socks, underwear, pj's, and grubby t-shirts. I try to keep a separate drawer for each different type of clothing.

Shopping
The first thing I do on Monday morning is throw out all the leftovers that sat in the fridge all weekend that obviously are not going to get eaten. Then I plan my menu for the week and post it on the calendar. I make a list of all ingredients that I will need to pick up at the store.

On an index card, I keep lists of all the items we need on a weekly basis. One side of the index card has household products like garbage bags, cleaning supplies, toiletries and such listed. The other side of the card lists food items that we need every week. This probably verges on this side of neurotic, but they are listed in order in which they appear at the grocery store, so I don't have to backtrack too much.

I do my grocery shopping early Monday morning before everyone else gets to store. This really cuts down on how long I have to stand in line. It also seems like the grocers are more eager to offer assistance early in the day.

Schedules
Every activity that the family participates in is listed on the monthly calendar. With 3 adults making plans, it is essential that we each write plans and times down so activities aren't doubled up.

For myself, I try to do the same jobs at the same time every week.
I try to keep the kid's daily routine pretty much on schedule also. I don't mean a rigid time line, but a consistent schedule. I have found that kids thrive when they have a familiar routine. A routine gives them a sense of ownership of time. Think back to when you were in school--didn't you like it much better when you knew what was going to be happening at what time during the day? It is the same for us at home. As soon as the kids come home from school, we do homework together. Then we eat supper. Then we go to after school activities. When we come home, it is bath time (if it is not nice enough to play outside). Then is it play time.

SPECIAL TIMES
The most important gift we can give to any child is our time. Kids all have individual interests, find out what your kids' interests are and then find the time to pursue them. I keep a backpack full of art supplies in our car because both my kids like to create projects. Whenever we are waiting somewhere, we open the backpack and start creating. I use to run my personal errands alone, until I found out how much Victoria likes to "shop" for cosmetics. Now she goes with me to the drug store all the time and we talk about the new colors and new make up products. James is a sports fanatic, so now that the weather has turned nice, we go outside and play every chance we get. These are just some of the things we do to make time spent together special. Whatever you come up with your kids should reflect their special interests. Do not forget your interests too. You are bringing into the relationship a whole new set of experiences your kids probably have never had. Introduce them to your interests.

CONCLUSIONS
Being a nanny is a challenging job. You must have a sense of humor, be caring, resourceful, and self motivated. Along with these characteristics is the need to be a resourceful and organized team player. As much as it is challenging, it is even more rewarding. You are given the opportunity to be a part of a family. You are a role model. You get to explore cities and states your friends might never get the chance to see. You are an ambassador for your state. By packing up and leaving all that is familiar to you, you are given the chance to experience new cultures first hand and grow both as a person and as a professional.

I came to New York from a small town in South Dakota, and I survived! That is something I am proud of. I have never really seen myself as an adventurous person, but the things I have done here in the past year have given me the courage to move forward and pursue other horizons. The way I see it now is, if I am brave enough and strong enough to survive in New York I can do anything. Although I have had an incredible year, and will miss "my" family here terribly, it is time for me to get back to teaching in the classroom. I have accepted a job teaching Kindergarten in Cairo Egypt. I do not think I would ever had the courage to make such a big move if I had not first made the move to New York. I wish to all the nannies the success that I have found.

*"Nanny Amy" was placed in Manhasset, NY by I Love My Nanny, Inc. Her family was so impressed with her job performance that we asked her to share her tips with other nannies and families.


Reprinted by I Love My Nanny, Inc with the permission of the author. All rights reserved.